Ms. 20

I have this internal struggle every time I make a blog post on whether or not it's too personal, not personal enough, relatable, readable, intriguing, or on brand. I mean after typing that, I realize I do that for probably most things in my life. Every social post I have ever made comes with a background voice in my head speaking in different perceptions of the people I think I create for. The immense amount of drafted blog posts can attest to that. So this post will not be that.

This post will be messy, confusing, cluttered, and a mix of all of my drafted unsaid words.

Lately life has been strange. Not just in a global pandemic kind of way, but in a lost reality kind of way. 2020 has changed everyone. Plans don't exist this year. And sometimes it feels like all of those plans, all of those 'looking forward to' moments I expected to have this year get further and further away from me. 2020 has made me want to curl up into the 50 blankets and 800 pillows on my bed, tuck myself away, and not deal with the reality of life--MY reality. Change.

I try to find the good, the silver lining, the glass half full, in every situation. Partially because I personally don't like being around pessimistic people, but also because I know that being around that energy, it's exhausting. It's an exhausting thing to be, and it's exhausting to be around. So I will not be that either.

My favorite thing in the whole world, love. I have spent most of my 20 years trying to be it. I understand that I'm going to have bad days, I am the type of person to flip a switch and turn into the moodiest person on earth; but like Kim K's first marriage, it doesn't last very long. All I want to do is love-- the people in my life, my home, my family, friends, the things I enjoy, and the things I don't. I love love.

I understand how destructive social media can be. It allows so much room for perceptions that aren't real, and for vulnerability. It gives access to parts of people in the best and worst way. It has given me a platform, a small, but still platform to work with fashion brands, start an online store, a thrift store, develop and release lines of digital files that I produced all on my own. That is so cool. It is. But it has also labeled me as these titles I do not claim or find true at all. My best friend Hal used to tell me how scary I was to her, that I seemed like this mean girl because of my social platforms, and at the time, being an introvert never helped to make her feel comfortable approaching me. I remember the things she would tell me as our friendship grew that people would say about me at her school, these so off-putting things that were so crazy to think anyone would ever believe them. Most of the time from people who had never had any type of social interaction with me. There was a time when hal was telling me one of the stories and it was something along the lines of "---- used to go around saying that you told her she had a bad perm." And I had to gasp because I had no idea who this girl even was--let alone if her perm was bad or not. It was bizarre.

Recently I'm starting to realize how ingrained these assumptions are. And people are getting bold with them. Here are some of the terms, phrases, etc. that I've heard just the past few months from people...

my social media makes me unapproachable

my social media makes me come off as judgmental

my social media makes me attention-seeking

my social media makes me come off as weird

and my absolute fav ~

a boy I thought I was going to date told me that my posts were only made for seeking compliments and attention from other boys...

Today in my professional seminar class my professor asked us how we would describe ourselves not just professionally, but who we are if someone asked.

I want to share mine.

I am a fashion student at Kent State University. I am a student entrepreneur and content creator. In a nutshell that means I work with brands to create media content that they can use and capitalize on for advertisement. I own an etsy shop with products that have been featured in boutique. I have a thrift store on depop, and I sell digital zip files. I am a below-average skateboarder who helped found Kent's skate club before I even owned a real skateboard. I am a sister, daughter, & friend. A coffee enthusiast, roller-coaster snob, plant and now frog mom. Lover of the Kardashians. I'm a believer in love at first sight, and fall in love with about 32 different things a day. I am an oversharer. A nostalgia addict. And to be loved by me is the feeling of forgiveness.

Those are the things I am.

And here are some of the things I love and believe in;

- Telling people out loud the compliments you think about them in your head

- Listening to the music your friends share with you. Make a playlist specifically for them to add to. Make them understand you value their input.

- Overpriced coffee

- Post it, edit it, delete it, post 8 of them.

-Your life is exactly what you want it to be, show what you want and don't show what you don't. Your life in entirely your own collection of memories, things, or photos.

- Be kind.

- (I struggle with this one) IF YOU LIKE IT, BUY IT. I mean don't go broke over a $15,000 bag if you can't afford it, but do not...DO NOT use the excuse that it wouldn't look good on you. It probably will.

- Life is not serious, don't rush it.

- Forgive people. Forgive the ones who acknowledged they've hurt you, and forgive the ones who didn't.

- Give people the space to heal from you as well.

- Heal yourself

- Be upfront, be bold, say what you want, do what you want. Just don't be selfish about it.

- Let people know when you're thinking about them.

So I'll keep doing what I do,